Порой ответить: «нет» бывает крайне трудно. Одни боятся обидеть просителя, другие – разочаровать или разозлить его, третьи – навредить хорошим отношениям. Но практикуя безотказность, человек становится заложником чужих желаний, забывая о своих собственных потребностях и стремлениях. Как же научиться говорить: «нет» и не чувствовать при этом вины?
ИССКУСТВО ВЕЖЛИВОГО ОТКАЗА: КАК СКАЗАТЬ: «НЕТ»
• Измените свое отношение к отказам. Из-за страха обидеть окружающих, показаться невежливым, человеку часто кажется, что его «нет» повлечет за собой серьезные последствия и проблемы. Поэтому первое, что необходимо осознать: в большинстве случаев ваш отказ не катастрофичен для просителя. Понаблюдайте за другими людьми: ежедневно окружающие говорят: «нет» друг другу в ответ на те или иные просьбы. Когда вы поймете, что зачастую отказы не оборачиваются неразрешимыми проблемами, вы сможете выработать более объективный взгляд на повседневные ситуации и реальнее оценивать степень риска, вызванного вашим отказом.
• Думайте о своих приоритетах. Желание угодить окружающим провоцирует согласие на дополнительные поручения и чьи-то личные просьбы даже если ваши силы на пределе. Поэтому учитесь защищать свои границы. Составьте список дел и обязанностей: семья, дом, работа, время для себя – и убедитесь, насколько у вас плотный график и хотите ли вы на самом деле взвалить на себя еще одно задание. Цените свое время и подумайте о собственном здоровье, прежде чем отвечать «да» на очередную просьбу приятеля или коллеги.
• Старайтесь выиграть время. Если вы чувствуете давление, понимаете, что вас принуждают сказать «да», вспомните, что большинство просьб не требуют немедленного ответа, и возьмите тайм-аут. Вместо автоматического согласия лучше сказать собеседнику, что вам необходимо посоветоваться с супругом, возлюбленным, проверить свое расписание или просто обдумать просьбу. Такая отсрочка позволит взять ситуацию под контроль и понять, готовы ли вы согласиться.
• Двигайтесь постепенно. Безусловно, непросто ответить отказом члену семьи или руководителю. Поэтому важно научиться сперва говорить «нет» в заурядных ситуациях, когда отказ не доставит просителю никаких проблем. Чем чаще вы говорите: «нет» в повседневной жизни, тем увереннее будете себя чувствовать, высказывая несогласие в трудных, беспокоящих ситуациях.
• Отстаивайте свои принципы. Выработайте ряд правил, касающихся ваших жизненных убеждений, и старайтесь их соблюдать. Например, воскресенье проводить в кругу семьи, никому не давать взаймы, каждый вечер четверга посвящать себе и своим увлечениям. Если ориентироваться на собственные принципы, то принимать решения и говорить «нет» на очередную просьбу будет легче. Кроме того, окружающие обычно не воспринимают подобные отказы как нежелание оказать помощь им лично, и не обижаются.
• Не оправдывайтесь. В ситуации, когда вы отвечаете отказом, можно объяснить свою позицию, но извиняться не следует. В противном случае проситель может подумать, что вы испытываете чувство вины, а значит согласитесь, если надавить на вас сильнее. Поэтому твердо стойте на отказе, повторяйте свой первоначальный ответ и дайте ясно понять, что никакие уловки и обстоятельства не заставят вас передумать.
• Измените условия. К примеру, коллега просит вас поработать вместе над проектом в выходной. Вы хотели бы помочь, однако не согласны тратить на это свой свободный день. Объясните это сослуживцу и предложите альтернативный вариант, который устроит вас обоих: задержаться на час-два после работы. Такой метод отлично подходит для ситуаций, когда вы готовы согласиться на просьбу, но не хотите жертвовать своими интересами. Еще один вариант: «возможно, в другой раз». Объясните просителю, что идея вам понравилась, но конкретно сейчас у вас нет времени. Такой ответ даст понять, что к вам можно обращаться за помощью в перспективе.
• Думайте о себе. Угодить всем невозможно, а уступчивость и стремление помочь, к сожалению, не всегда оцениваются по заслугам. Кроме того, чтобы говорить: «нет» без угрызений совести, важно уметь отделять личность человека от его просьбы. Ведь не соглашаясь на что-либо, вы отвергаете не самого человека, а его конкретное предложение.
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